I’m watching my brother wait for his bus to arrive and I thought to myself, wow I really miss that feeling again. Er, maybe I shouldn’t, but, I miss the feeling of awaiting a school day especially in High School.
Feeling tired from waking up so early when your day starts at exactly 7:21
Or when I would always battle a tiny knot formed by my headphones and I’d have to fix it before the bus came. I enjoyed that minuscule challenge of racing against time.
The sad part in all of this is that high school is now the past. You can never change the past. The things you’ve done or said, they practically mean nothing now, maybe something for some, but it’s as if they are all void. What lead me here though, were the things I’ve done in High School. And going to a community college may not be the best, but it certainly is not the worst! I’m glad I chose this college. I knew in my mind during Junior year that I was not ready to pick and choose the schools I wanted to attend. I was very unprepared. Now, after a year of commuting, I’ve finally decided on the schools I want to aim for. I say schools, because I’m waiting on the day when I have to choose between acceptances. I just hope whichever one I go to will be the right choice for me and my future.
I think I have a slight mental problem. Although, I’m not sure if I should write about it or not. I’m extremely insecure about it and I know that if anyone knew, that could possibly be used against me as my weakness or my kryptonite. I will eventually because if I do happen to overcome it in the future then, this will be something to look back on and reflect upon it. I hope to tell someone someday, but, I just feel its very difficult to understand. Maybe that’s just me being fearful though. I don’t know how one will feel about it, everyone’s different, but I hope someday someone will learn to accept and understand.
I wonder if I will make my dream come true in due time.
I wonder if the person I will become during my 4 years of college will be a better and stronger person than what I am now.
I wonder if even though I will meet Mari soon, I hope that she will still be the thread that holds me and stops me from ever going passed “thinking about suicide” to “actually committing suicide.”
I wonder if I will ever stop considering suicide as an option, because it is not. Yet I never learn to stop that train of thought.
I feel like, I need to make some sort of an alarm or reminder every time I feel depressed. In most cases, it’s because I don’t eat and so I begin to sulk in bed and let my stomach eat me away inside.
What it would do is that my brain would trigger itself when it detects the negative emotion and then I would get this alarm ringing in my head telling me to go eat.
Ahah, if only.
I find it insulting that you still think of me as a fool for what I use to be 2-3 years ago.
But I cannot thank you enough for making it okay to be open with myself in terms of my sexuality. In terms of your seriousness, I thought you were very mature and cool, but you know that I can’t do those things anymore with you. It’s just wrong and degrading.
Have you forgotten the amount of times I would have to tell you that I’m not that type of person!?
Even if I was, just a little bit, you would just make myself even worse rather, make myself okay with it. That’s not okay and it never will be even if it makes you feel better.
Gosh, Katie. To think I had somewhat of an attraction towards you.
i read what you sent me on skype. my initial reaction to your message was: “well, took you long enough to message me or say something for the least.” but as i kept reading on, i felt something. it wasn’t happiness, it wasn’t sadness, surely it wasn’t my stomach calling my attention, but maybe it was an empty feeling. that doesn’t make sense, but i perceive it as a presence. it’s like when you feel someone’s eyes on you, but those eyes are far beyond a certain distance. you can’t see it or feel it, you just have a wave of unfamiliarity cast inside of you. that’s what i felt as i read your message.
after, i re-read it 6 or 7 times. i’m happy that you’ve moved on, but i’m also sad that i caused such great pain to you. the truth is, what i felt during that month was real. if you ever had second thoughts on my decision, well, don’t. we were so honest with each other, i don’t think i would be able to fake such feelings and if i did, i would have caused an even greater pain to you. i’m sure you figured that out though.
you said you aren’t ready to see me, well i’m not ready to see you. but to be honest, there were moments in these previous months when i thought about seeing you. i thought about going down to hoboken, calling lloyd or aj and asking for your whereabouts. then once i stand in front of you, with a face you could not read, i would apologize. and if it was in front of your brothers and friends, well i want them to hear it anyway. you probably said some bad things about me to them and i want them to know that the person they are seeing in front of them is not the person they think i am. then again, they don’t know me as much as you do. so, after i apologize, i would explain what i have explained above. my feelings. then you will watch me walk back to the car and drive off. see, that’s how dramatic i want it to be (if it happened). oh, but i will still try to get into stevens. i can’t promise that i will go, every day i’m constantly questioning my goals. i’m constantly questioning my life. but, i suppose this is deemed as normal.
anyway, even though this message will never get to you, i really do hope you found someone that will treat you so much better and pay attention to you properly than me.
see you soon?